September 24, 2011

The Loss Never Goes Away…

Months have passed, oceans of tears of have been spilled, hugs exchanged, compassionate people have listened and stories have been shared, but there is still an ache left behind that will never go away. When you loss a baby, like I’ve lost my sweet Stella, not only have you lost a part of you, but you’ve lost all the dreams, hopes and future, too. It’s impossible for anyone who hasn’t experienced such a loss to fully understand.

It’s not the same as loosing Grandpa at 65 years old to a heart attack. Of course loosing anyone you love is painful and difficult, but people will still talk about Grandpa, his memory, his life and all the family and friends he’s left behind. They have photos to flip through to sweeten their memories and good times together to cherish. When someone looses a baby, no matter whether through miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss those memories are very few and far between. No one wants to talk about the babies who have been lost, but it's sweet music to their Moms ears when someone is willing to remember them by speaking aloud. We have to focus on the time we had them in our lives the longest ~ while they were growing in our bellies! How we shared our pregnancy together, the special songs we made up to sing to them, our conversations together as we fell asleep, our dreams and hopes for their future that we shared with our bellies, the milestones we experienced, the first kicks and their reactions to certain foods. These aren’t memories that our families and friends can share with us. We are completely alone with our special memories to cherish!

Not only have we lost the chance to hold our babies, but we’ve been robbed the opportunity to create new memories. I’ll never know the color of Stella’s eyes or what makes them sparkle with happiness, what her smile looks like, the sound of her giggle, her favorite color, or if she would have been a Daddy’s girl? I’ll never know if she enjoyed going on walks in the woods, either in a carrier or as a toddler or child? Would she have smiled at the sight of a deer in the woods like I do? I'll never have the joy of baking and decorating a birthday cake for my sweet girl and throwing her a party. I wonder would she have preferred vanilla (like her Dad) or chocolate (like me)? Maybe Stella would have shown us her independent streak and chosen strawberry instead? Would she enjoy family drives on the Parkway to take in the beauty and enjoy a picnic together? I wish I knew the answers, but I’ll never know! The curiosity and wonder will always haunt me! I wish I had the chance to discover each of these things about Stella because they would all fill me with precious, cherished memories of time we had together! Instead I have a few photos, her stamped footprints, her ashes and a broken heart!

September 13, 2011

Exposing Myself

It's a subject many people would rather avoid and if brought up the general population just doesn't know how to respond.  I guess that is why I feel the need to talk about it, even if it's here where no one is actually reading.  I want people to know ~ I am a Baby Loss Momma!  What exactly is a Baby Loss Momma?  Well, sadly it's a Mother who had many hopes and dreams for a baby they carried, but were unable to bring home in their arms and fulfill those wishes.  You can learn more about my experience by reading Stella's story on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.

I'm very lucky to have found Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope as a resource and confirmation that I am not alone in my grief and suffering!  Tragically there are way to many women and families who have been directly touched by the loss of baby or infant!  Thanks to Faces, other online groups and perinatal loss support groups I have found myself surrounded by a community of Baby Loss Families.  We are given a chance to remember our babies, what it felt like to carry them, our deepest desires for their lives, talk about our experiences with complicated pregnancies or births and share our children with each other.  Some of us aren't even able to do this with our families or friends because they truly don't understand, but we are able to find comfort in those who had been strangers until we all found ourselves in the same situations.  It's a horrible place to be, but I am very thankful I am not here alone!