The Greatest Gift...

Some how life always has a way of slowing you down, but never has this been more true than this last year.  Here I am 6 months later with the long overdue introduction of our gorgeous rainbow!

Our precious Izabella Luna was born on April 18th at 1:26 am!  My induction began on April 16th at 8am and moved very, very slowly since I was trying to do as little Pitocin as possible.  I talked my OB in to allowing me to be induced with only the folly bulb and no additional medication because I didn’t want to be tied to an IV pole or relive the memories that came along with the device.  It became evident that wasn't going to work by late Monday night, but they gave me until morning to continue to try other methods to dilate my cervix.  So my husband and I walked the halls ALL NIGHT LONG!  I tried homeopathies, foot massages, squats and dancing, but I just didn't have the energy to keep it up for very long.

The progress I had made with the folly bulb never progressed further, so they ended up having to break my waters Tuesday afternoon and begin the Pitocin drip.  Unfortunately once my waters were broken she began dropping quickly, but as Sprout dropped she rotated her head so she was facing my left thigh, and the further she dropped the more significant the pain became.  By late Tuesday evening the pain was so bad that I couldn't lay on my side with out excruciating sharp pains.  After a few hours of trying everything under the sun to manage the pain without any relief, the urge to push became incredibly strong.  I had been laboring for nearly 36 hours, but my cervix was stagnating around 6 - 7cm, so my OB, Doula, and nurse were all telling me not to push.  Sprout, on the other hand, had other ideas and the more I tried not to push the worse the pain became! 

At this point the OB began making noises about me possibly needing a c-section due to Sprout's head presentation, my exhaustion and the lack of progression - I was terribly upset!!  I really wanted to have Sprout as naturally as possible with a vaginal birth, but my body didn't seem to want to cooperate.  The urge to push had become completely uncontrollable and my emotions erupted!  I knew I wasn't dialed enough (according to my OB and nurse), but my body and Sprout were saying, “PUSH!”  Each time I pushed a little I mentally broke down more and more because I started feeling like I was, once again, failing my babies!  My body wasn't cooperating properly and I was risking my second daughter by allowing my body to push when I knew I shouldn't!

Luckily we had an incredible birth team by our side!  Sprout’s team consisted of two Baby Loss Mommas; our awesome Doula and a wonderful supporter who leads our Prenatal Loss Support Group with a background as a Labor & Delivery nurse for 25+ years, as well as a great nurse who also took care of me the night before and after Stella's birth.  These women helped me through my entire labor, comforting, listening, supporting, encouraging me and helping me ask the important questions so I could feel in control and know everything that could be done was being done.  With out them during those extremely difficult hours with the OB talking about c-sections, the physical and emotional pain overwhelming me and the lack of progress I think I would have regretfully thrown in the towel and allowed the OB to do what ever she felt best.  We feel truly blessed to have had such a fantastic team help safely bring Izabella in to the World!

With all the information available to us we finally decided to go with an epidural (something I thought I would never do!) around 10:30 pm on April 17^th, which was Stella’s original due date back in 2010.  It brought immediate relief and the plan was for me to relax and rest for about an hour and see what kind of changes had been made before continuing laboring.  I wasn't looking for a way out of the pain, just needed a break, both emotionally and physically.  As soon as the epidural was on board my OB checked me and suddenly I had dilated all the way to a 10 and was ready to begin pushing!  She asked if I wanted to go a head and rest like previously planned and I responded, "No way!  I'd like for this baby to be born today!"  The OB left the room to get ready and said she would be back in 15 minutes so we could begin, but while she was gone my BP dropped dangerously and that along with the contractions was making Sprout's heart rate jump.  I'm still kind of unclear, and so is my husband, exactly what all took place during this time, but he told me afterwards he seriously thought I might die and was worried about our little girl, too!  The Anesthesiologist came back and began rapidly working with my nurse.  We later learned she gave me a dose of epinephrine to increasing my BP and heart rate, but that also negatively affected Sprout so there was some tension going on and a lot of intense monitoring.  My OB came back in to learn of this situation and expressed her desire to go ahead and deliver as quickly as possible and then address my BP issues once my baby was safe, but the Anesthesiologist wasn't willing to risk my condition by postponing my treatment.  We spent another 45 minutes with them tracking my BP and Izabella's heart rate before they felt I was in the clear and we could begin pushing.  Once I finally was cleared to begin pushing it really didn't seem like it took too terribly long for Izabella to be delivered and her placed directly on my chest for the much anticipated kangaroo time!  After her nuzzling around my chest, being wiped down and her cord stopped pulsing Trey got to cut the cord and she began nursing like a little champ! 

We came home from the hospital on a Friday evening and began to learn more about each other and get on a schedule.  Luckily my Mom spent the weekend at our house and took care of laundry, making us food and allowed us to nap in between feedings.  After a few sleepless nights Izabella started adjusting and we learned a few tricks to help her sleep better. Thankfully this pattern has continued and wasn't just some fluke - Momma loves her sleep!

The love, joy and happiness Izabella has brought back to our lives is greater than words could possibly describe!  After loosing Stella I never thought I would be able to laugh or smile again with out it being faked, but Iza keeps me smiling and laughing like I couldn't have imagined.  While Stella will always be our first born and will be loved and missed forever, her baby sister has patched and stitched my shattered heart.  Izabella is a true blessing in our lives and a gift from the brightest stars above!

"'Rainbow Babies' is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope." ~ Anonymous

Udder Complications...

Just when I thought Iza and I were getting the hang of breastfeeding along comes a set back.  And, in my typical fashion, it couldn’t just be a small bump in the road!  No, we are talking about a massive sinkhole we’re still trying to climb our way out of!

After Iza had her two month vaccines she became incredibly sleepy, so she wasn’t eating very well.  Each time she would wake up she was cranky, so I would try to feed her only to have her fall in to a deep sleep on the breast within the first minutes.  I continued trying to get her to eat each time she would wake, but wasn’t having much luck and as a result I realized later that evening I was developing a clogged milk duct.  I began pumping as soon as I realized the problem and was working to prevent it from moving forward to mastitis as best as I could, but the clog became worse with in the next 12 hours.  

My right breast slowly turned hard as a rock in one large area and became red.  The telltale signs of the beast called mastitis.  But I didn’t have a fever and still felt fairly well considering the pain in my breast that felt like it weighed 20 pounds.  After a couple of days trying to work the clog out with warm compresses, massaging, acupuncture, pumping and frequent feedings (as in every 2 hours whenever possible) it still hadn’t bugged, so I went to see my OB.  She took one look at it, felt the warmth radiating out from the lump and told me that it was bound to turn in to mastitis soon and once I got a fever I would feel like I had been run over by a truck, so she prescribed me a round of strong antibiotics to go ahead and start now so I could avoid that awful feeling and to continue all the things I had been doing to work the dried milk clog out. 

Well the idea of taking antibiotics proactively before a fever set in just didn’t seem jive with me.  Especially when I considered how poorly my body reacts to them and the concerns I had over possibly developing yeast and giving Iza thrush and how her little belly would fair with the drugs.  So we filled the script to have them on hand, but still felt that with persistence I might be able to work the clog out before my breast became infected.  WRONG!!  After a week and a half since all the trouble began I spiked a fever of 100.4*, suffered cold chills, my head began feeling cloudy and I couldn’t think straight, so I began taking the pills as quickly as I could fill my glass of water. 

Unfortunately over the course of the following week on antibiotics, along with all the other measures I was taking to move the milk out of my system, nothing improved.  In fact at times my breast seemed harder, tenderer and I could see visible bruising.    My breast had gotten so firm that the shape became distorted and nearly two weeks in to the ordeal Iza decided the breast wasn’t fit to nurse off of any more.  I just wanted to cry!  Scratch that, I *DID* cry!!  I desperately reached out to the Lactation Consultants for help.  We did a feeding and weight to see how much milk Iza was able to consume from each breast during a typical feeding.  It turned out there was so much internal swelling the milk wasn’t able to escape and poor little Iza wasn’t able to get the food she needed.  Our baby girl had lost almost a pound in the two weeks I was battling against this massive clog!  We had to begin supplementing each feeding with an additional 2 oz of previously pumped breast milk.  They assured me I was doing all the right things to resolve the clog and mastitis, but also encouraged me to contact my OB for a follow up since after nearly a week of antibiotics I hadn’t improved and I might have an abscess.  I quickly became depressed feeling like I had once again failed my daughters and my body was failing me when all I wanted to do was provide Iza with the proper nutrition she needed.   A feeling all too familiar as a Baby Loss Momma and one I hoped to never experience again once my Rainbow was born safely.

A couple of days later I spoke with my OB’s nurse and explained all of my concerns and that I felt like after nearly three weeks of treatment the lump should have resolved. She called back after she spoke with my OB and had scheduled me for an ultrasound the following morning.  Low and behold I had an abscess the size of a large grapefruit!  After having the ultrasound I had to wait for the Dr. to review the images before I could leave.  She came in after the procedure and asked me a couple of questions while having the tech check a couple of additional things to get a better idea of the size and then went to call my OB while I waited.  The Dr. came back with instructions from my OB to come to her office immediately for us to discuss a plan. Since we had Iza with us we needed to change and feed her before heading to the office, but as we were unloading my OB's nurse met us out at the car and told us we were to go to the surgical center down the street. She didn't know what the plan was, but knew they were waiting for me.

I arrived (while Trey stayed outside trying to soothe a restless Iza) only to discover I'm in the wrong place and should be at the other surgical center next door (!!??). I filled out tons of paperwork and was then told that the Dr. I was going to see is finishing up for the day, so I would now be seeing a different Dr., but she was still tied up in surgery at the hospital and wasn't expected back until 1:45 - did I want to wait, leave and come back or reschedule? I asked the receptionist if she knew what was going to happen today and I was assured it was most likely going to be a consult only and if any procedure was to be done it would be scheduled for a later date. We went to lunch and called Trey's parents to see if they were back home and available to watch Iza while we went back to my appointment. Thank God they were able to take care of her for a few hours and thankfully I had been prepared with bottles of pumped breast milk to leave with them! Once we got back we had to wait an hour to see the Dr.   The nurse took us to an exam room and had me change in to one of those glamorous paper shirts while we waited for the Dr. to come in, but the nurse quickly reappeared and moved us to the procedure room.  At this point panic and anxiety began to set in my bones! 

The Dr. didn't even look at the files the imaging place sent with us, but had me hop on the table and she began slicing, dicing and draining me! It honestly felt like she was working on me for at least an hour.  She said she was cutting close to the areola and was trying to minimize scarring, so I told her I wasn’t as concerned about scarring as I was about my ability to continue breastfeeding, or at least pumping.  The pocket of infection was so large she had to expand the cut, widen the incision and go deeper to allow it all to drain out. By the time she was finished cutting my wound ended up being about two inches long and nearly three inches deep!  The gunk coming out of me was so nasty Trey started to get sick to his stomach and weak in the knees!  The incision is left open to drain and heal from the inside out, which will take about 2 - 3 weeks.  He's been cleaning and packing my wound with gauze several times a day and should taper down as the infection shrinks and it begins to heal. She changed my antibiotic to augmentin, put me on oxycodone and told me there is the chance it might reoccur.  If that happens I'm to call her immediately and she'll admit me to the hospital for IV antibiotics and take me to the operating room for a more extensive draining.

The abscess was very large, deep and very nasty pocket of infection!!   We've changed the wound dressing several times now and have spend last weekend desperately trying to figure out how to pump the breast, so I can keep my milk supply and empty the breast so the mastitis doesn't spread and cause more problems and pain.  The wound is so close to the areola that I can't get a tight seal with the breast pump and if I try to hand express it feels like I'm pushing stuff out of the wound.  Not pleasant!  This has caused me a TON of anxiety, stress, depression and many, many tears of worry and failure.  Luckily Trey has been great about pressing the Lactation Consultants to help come up with a solution and they were able to find a smaller sized pump flange that seems to be helping.  The only problem now is that each time I pump the wound is also being compressed causing it to open and close and all the fluid is leaking out of the wound and all over me.  Gross!  Trust me, I know!  The wound continues to fill up with milk and make an awful mess as I soak through one bandage after another, but hopefully we've been able to catch it in time so my breast won't dry up!  It’s been a horrible freakin' ordeal!!! 

We’ve since gone to one of my follow ups with the surgeon to check on my healing and learned that while the wound looked good there was an additional complication and appeared to be another lump down low.  I had thought it was in a place she had previously checked with a needle aspiration and decided it was a small abscess that would dry up with the antibiotic, so I hadn’t been overly worried.  However once she began looking at it she said the area she had been inspecting previously was more to the side of my breast and this was something different, so she wanted to take three biopsy samples to be safe.  I couldn’t help but feel like life was kicking me in the face!  Or, in this case, kicking me in the breast!  Even though she numbed the area it hurt like a bitch all the way across the back of my breast and to the wound on the other side.  I even experienced nerve tingling in my nipple an hour later and that really had me freaked out!   

So in the time we’ve waited for the biopsy results to come back we’ve continued to care for the wound and sought more help from the Lactation Consultants (we’ve become regulars at the WNC Breastfeeding Center).  For now they have me working on building up my milk supply in the left breast by feeding and pumping as much as possible during the day and maintaining a supply on the right by pumping a few times daily.  We can’t do much else at this point because it would be disastrous to increase the supply to both breasts since my right one will continue to be very limited in its use until it’s healed completely.  Once it’s healed and Iza is able to return to the breast I’ll go back to have them help me build up my supply on the right as much as possible.  Unfortunately, as much as it pains me, I now realize this may never have the flow it had before and after all this pain and anguish I may still be limited to feeding solely off the left.  At the rate we are supplementing each feeding we are quickly running out of our stock piled milk supply and it’s breaking my heart!

Yesterday I finally received the biopsy results and learned the smaller lump is a benign Lactating Adenoma (http://www.breast-cancer.ca/type/lactating-adenoma.htm).  Over time it should shrink up or at the very least not increase in size and I was told that it doesn’t increase my chances of developing breast cancer.  That is a huge relief!  I guess you could say it’s the silver lining in an otherwise cloudy situation.  I’ll continue my weekly check ups with the surgeon until the abscess wound is healed completely and I will continue doing everything with in my power to continue breastfeeding my sweet little Rainbow for as long as humanly possible.

Thankfully my husband has been a wonderful supporter during this entire fiasco!  With out his help, both with keeping my wound properly dressed and figuring out how to adapt the breast pump to work around my wound, I would have never lasted this long and still be stuck at the bottom of the sinkhole.  Trey also lent his artistic abilities and sketched my boobie, so I could share the extent of the damage and how traumatic this ordeal has been.  

Abscess incision and small biopsy entry point

Please send us tons of milky wishes for the coming week!  And if you’ve happened to suffer a breast abscess in the past I would be very interested in hearing how you were able to manage breast feeding and finally resolving the abscess, so please feel free to speak up.

Stella’s 1st Birthday & Angelversary…

Ever notice how some days are harder than others?  Yeah, I’ve had that day!  In fact, I’ve been feeling that way this entire weekend!  Really I guess I should scratch that and say I’ve been having a hard holiday season, since every emotion imaginable has struck since just before Thanksgiving and who knows how long this crazy roller coaster of a ride is gonna last? 

I knew December 23rd was going to be an emotional challenge like few I’ve ever seen being it was Stella’s 1^st Birthday and Angelversary, but I didn’t accurately anticipate the long lasting affects I would continue to experience through out the Christmas holiday.  I was hopeful that by today, Christmas, I wouldn’t feel the struggle so much, but it’s still riding my coat tails trying to bring me down!

The whole week began with me feeling shaken and off after a very poor night of sleep.  I had fallen right asleep, but woke suddenly just a short while later with the feeling of extreme panic.  When I saw 1:30am on my clock I just wanted to sink deeper in to the bed and be swallowed alive!  Last year on the Monday evening before Christmas I was admitted to the hospital due to HELLP syndrome while pregnant with Stella.  I spent a couple of hours in the labor and delivery triage area while they tried to figure out exactly what was going on, but once they identified the problem they began working on getting me a quiet room, inform the nurses of my case and get me moved upstairs so they could begin my IV with Magnesium Sulfate and then my OB came up to begin the induction process (and trust me, it was a process!).  So, by the time my medications were on board and my OB had started the Cytotec it was almost 1:30am, so when I awoke in a panic last Monday night and saw the time I literally found myself flashing back to the hospital room, attached to the IV and terrified about what was laying a head of me and my daughter’s future.  Sure, I knew I wasn’t in the hospital, but instead in my own bed, but I saw everything so vividly in front of me like I was living through it all over again!  I laid in bed crying and holding my belly until I finally drifted back to sleep.  Needless to say I woke up in a foul, sad mood like my precious Stella had just been ripped away from me all over again! 

Sweet Stella Grace December 23, 2010

The pressure of Stella’s birthday and Angelversary, along with the Christmas holiday, surely didn’t help any as the week progressed.  My stress levels and bitchiness felt like they were at an all time high!  Although, maybe it was good that I was so busy and preoccupied because it kept me from having a full out melt down, even though I felt it building up inside me?  I was angry I was busy with holiday things because all I really wanted to do was plan a meaningful way to honor Stella’s short life and her importance to me!  With everyone’s various holiday and work schedules we weren’t able to have many family and friends join us in celebrating Stella, and that alone left me feeling even more sad and depressed.  I understand everyone has their own family and schedule to work around, but I couldn’t help feeling that if Stella was still alive and with us for her 1^st birthday all of these significant people in my life would have made arrangements to celebrate with us.  Leaving me, once again, feeling cheated and robbed of an experience that was very important to me! 

We went ahead and commemorated Stella’s special day anyway.  It was difficult to figure out the best way to celebrate her spirit with out her being with us because nothing seemed appropriate.  At the same time I knew I needed it to be a joyous and fun occasion because additional sadness was the last thing I needed and I really don’t feel like Stella wants us to live in sadness.  So we decided to do the zany Happy Jollidays LaZoom Tour around Asheville to brighten our spirits and bring a little laughter to the day and prepare us for the Christmas holiday.  My brother and a couple we’ve been friends with for many, many years joined my husband and I for the fun outing.  It worked, we did smile and laugh, but it still felt like we were missing an important part of any celebration … the guest of honor herself.

Trey and my brother holding Sprout

Sarah and Jason giving Sprout some love

Our friends had to get back to their family holiday obligations, so we met Trey’s parents out that evening for a late night dinner at Ruth’s Chris.  We had an absolutely fantastic meal, which was a real treat, and Trey toasted to our little Stella.  But over all I was left feeling a little let down and like I had done a poor job of honoring our girl on her special day.  We had gotten a cupcake for Stella, did something fun for her birthday and celebrated with a delicious meal, but the day didn’t truly feel like it was about HER, which was the most important aspect of the day to me personally.  Our friends brought 2 stuffed animals over, one for Stella and one for Sprout, but other than that her name wasn’t ever mentioned again unless it was by me or my husband at dinner.  They made more of a fuss over Sprout then Stella and that left my heart hurting.  I know they all mean well, but December 23^rd was supposed to be all about Stella, how she touched our lives and will always be loved and cherished.

Stella's Christmas tree, 1st birthday cupcake and gifts

Stuffed animals and a thoughtful card from another Baby Loss Momma friend

Realistically, I guess nothing would have been perfect unless I could have had sweet Stella on my hip, dressed in a special outfit with a birthday hat, balloons all around and watching her smiling, laughing face as she dug in to a big cupcake with her name written on top!  Anything else will always pale in comparison!  So the question becomes ~ How will we be able to manage all the birthdays/Angelversaries for the years to come?  I’d love to hear from other Baby Loss Mommas and how you’ve coped with these painful milestones? 

The difference a year makes...

I mentioned in a previous post how crazy busy we’ve been around here and I’m sure everyone who hears that just rolls their eyes and thinks, “Yeah, like you’re the only one!” Of course I don’t think I’m the only one who has ever found themselves running around frantically trying to catch up at every turn, but I do feel I’ve been given an extra challenge lately that is leaving me a bit stretched to capacity.  That’s ok though, I really wouldn’t want it any other way! 

Not only have the days, weeks and months been passing us by, but with each week we’ve come closer to the season I’ve dreaded so much - HOLIDAYS!  Our World changed for us last holiday season just before Thanksgiving and I’m still in the process of learning how to cope with this new journey in a very different World.  And if that wasn’t physically and emotionally time consuming enough we’ve been keeping a secret and that can be hard work in itself!  Sure a few people we are close to knew, but for the most part we had kept everything very quite and were just moving along until the time felt right to share with our extended family, friends, and now anyone who might be reading this blog.  I’ll skip to the chase and share the personal message we shared a little over a month ago…

On this day, November 18th, of last year we learned the devastating news about Stella's health and her struggle to survive and make it out in to this World.  A year has passed and Stella's 1st birthday is now only 5 weeks away on December 23rd.  It's been an extremely difficult year full of challenges learning how to navigate the World without my daughter, and as we move closer to this holiday season the anniversary of Stella's birth, day to day life will be very painful.

Last year we suddenly cancelled our Thanksgiving plans after receiving the news of Stella condition, however this year we have renewed hope and much to be thankful for.  For one thing, I didn't pass away with Stella and that is something to be extremely grateful for every day!  It has allowed us to continue on and honor Stella's short life and big spirit in any way possible.  Now Stella is a big sister in the making!  Yes, you read correctly!  Trey and I are expecting and have been growing a little "Sprout" for 18 weeks, so we hope to meet our baby around April 20, 2012.  Yesterday we had our big targeted ultrasound and learned that Sprout's heart appears healthy and is growing ahead of schedule.  Two very different findings from what we learned about Stella just a year ago!  Not only did yesterday's ultrasound go very well, but we received results a couple of weeks ago from our Genetic Counselor that Sprout's risk of a chromosomal defect is very, very slim; 1:10,000!  And, for all of you who are dying to know ... Sprout is a GIRL!!! 

We are extremely happy, but I am also very scared of what may be waiting for me down the path.  With all this good news at this point we are just trying our best to enjoy and think about a happy and healthy future.  This will undoubtedly become more difficult as we move closer to the holidays and we miss sharing what should be Stella's 1st Thanksgiving, birthday party and Christmas. 

I want to be clear with everyone that even though we have a new child growing Stella will always be our first baby and hold a significant place in our hearts!  Sprout will not replace the pain we have endured, nor take Stella's place in any way, so please don't assume our hearts are healed or forget her importance in our lives. 

We wish you all a Happy Holiday Season full of love and peace!!

With love,
Shelby & Trey

You may be wondering why we’ve kept this wonderful news so hush, hush until now?  Well, I can tell you there are a number of reasons I could list, but I’ll just be as honest and blunt as possible … I’ve been too scared!  I’ve been terrified something awful would happen to this baby, Sprout, as soon as I opened my mouth to share the news.  I’ve also been scared I would loose some of the connections I’ve developed over the last year with so many strong, caring Baby Loss Mommas.  I’ve worried they would turn their backs on me and kick me out of the one club no one ever wanted to be part of in the first place, yet now I find myself desperately wanting and needing to know that I am still an accepted member.  It may sound crazy, but these fellow Mommas have become an important part of my life and I value their opinions, suggestions and the strength needed to get through each day.  Hopefully this news won’t turn off any potential readers because, I gotta tell ya, being pregnant again after a loss is probably just as hard as going through the loss in the first place!  Sure, it’s a totally different experience, but the emotional roller coaster is practically the same! 

I hope you all can wish Sprout and I well, but as a Baby Loss Momma I can also understand the pain of knowing some one else is pregnant while we will never be able to hold our precious babies we’ve lost ever again.  And there in lies the never ending conflict of emotions of a pregnancy after a loss!