Remembering the best damn puppy mill survivor ever...

Sadly a month has passed since we had to say good-bye to our beloved furry man.  As anyone who has lost a beloved, whether it be their baby or their special pet, knows it's a very difficult, painful and lonely road to travel.  For me it has once again brought forward all the feelings of grief experienced with the loss of Stella, so instead of grieving the loss of Smeags, who I know in the end was very fortunate, I'm stuck experiencing the emotions of loosing my daughter as well.  I suspect this is how my emotional heart will respond to all future losses, so I better figure out a way to navigate this new treacherous path!

I would like to share my loving tribute to the one, and the only, Smeagol with you all...

Smeags rescued September 2005

Who could have ever imagined the impact one French Bulldog, rescued from a nasty rabbit hutch in the far back of a North Carolina puppy mill, could have on our lives?  Not I!  Smeagol came in to our lives silently, sick, weak and reclusive.  He was mostly bald with elephant skin sagging from his legs from his chronic demodectic mange, his eyes goopy and scared from years of untreated corneal ulcers, broken and worn stubs in place of teeth, toenails growing in to his chubby little paw pads, a bad case of heart worms, collapsed wrists and a very painful looking swayback.  He looked so horribly disfigured and frightening his original foster Mom named him Smeagol, since he looked like Gollum from the Lord of the Rings. 

We nursed Smeags back to health, and as he recovered more and more of his unique and charming personality began to reveal itself.  Smeags found his voice and wasn’t about to be silenced ever again in his life!  Once he began to bond with us, he realized he no longer liked to be left alone, and would caterwaul if he couldn’t find one of us.  If we didn’t come back quickly enough, he would stomp his little legs and release a protest pee in the floor somewhere (his unique form of pay back).  He learned the joys of wallering on his back, whether it be in a dog bed, human bed or in the grass.

He never met a sunbeam that didn’t have his name written all over it and was well versed at seeking them out through out the day.  He always enjoyed sleeping in a comfy bed, but none compared to the luxurious and peaceful sleep he had while riding in the snoozy seat.  Smeags was the most laid back and easy going dog you could imagine (until it was meal time).  He kept us on our toes, made us smile daily and had us all wrapped around his fat little paws.

Smeagol was diagnosed with a brain tumor in November of 2010, but luckily his medication allowed him to hold steady.  During that time he became mostly deaf and nearly blind, but he was still quite a character.  He gave us a few scares where his back legs would go weak and he would suddenly develop a green snotty nose, but with a little medication and a couple of days, he would bounce back like we had imagined the whole episode.  He still enjoyed all the important activities in life: special laser treatments, his favorite foods, car rides, wallering and belly rubs. 

On Tuesday, February 28th, our precious Smeagol took a drastic turn for the worse.  His body just seemed to give out on him from the night before.  He could no longer stand, much less walk.  He had no desire to eat (not even cheese or banana) or drink and only wanted to sleep.  We took him to the vet’s office, where he was loved by everyone, and Dr. Shearer felt his nervous system was shutting down and he was giving us a clear indication that it was his time to go.  We held and hugged him tightly while we cried.  He wasn’t in any pain, and loved the attention, but he just wanted to sleep forever.  So we kissed Smeags good-bye and sent him on his peaceful journey to the Rainbow Bridge.

Smeagol’s story has touched the hearts of many from around the World.  He was often considered an unofficial mascot of the fight against puppy mills in the French Bulldog community as well as for the French Bulldog Rescue Network.  Though he will never be forgotten, and will always be loved, his larger than life presence will be sorely missed by everyone who knew him!

Rest in peace, SmeagUms!  You were truly one of a kind!

Love always,

Maw, Paw, Starr, Willow and QBert

 

 

 

The loss of a family member

Once again our family has been touched by death.  I guess I should feel relieved and be grateful that we’ve been able to keep all our family members for the last 13+ months.  After all I know some people who are faced with tragedy after tragedy and feel as though their lives are damned.  

 

My husband’s Grandmother passed away on February 21^st after a sudden series of events leading to her falling and breaking her hip.  Her body needed to be stabilized before they could safely perform surgery to repair the break, but he body was never fully able to recover from the surgery.  She previously had always enjoyed good health and her independence, but that changed shortly after her 92^nd birthday  Still, Louise, managed to pack a whole lot of life in and continued to do fairly well with her condition until the last year.  

 

Louise’s death caught me off guard.  Not so much because she passed away, but more by how it affected me personally.  I’ve known Louise since sometime around 1991, but got to know her better during 1992 when my then boyfriend, his family and I traveled together that Summer.  Louise and I were roommates on two trips that year, so we quickly got to know each other.  Being faced with Louise’s death brought forward all the painful feelings I had experienced deep in my soul when we lost our daughter, Stella.  Yes, I’ve dealt with Stella’s death and continue to work through this life changing tragedy, but once the raw emotions hit I felt like I was being flooded by a tidal wave of feelings.  Suddenly it was like I wasn’t just being faced with one death, but a life time of deaths and loss all compounded together!  I’ve done enough grief work to know that this isn’t an uncommon feeling, or I might have gotten so depressed that I would have felt myself going crazy.  But understanding why I was having these feelings didn’t really help me cope.

 

Trey spoke during his Grandmother’s service, and if I hadn’t already been feeling the weight of Stella’s passing on my heart, his words brought pain deep in to my soul.  I’ll share an excerpt of Trey’s writings below:

Grandmother’s Eulogy

Death is a mysterious gift.  It brings loved ones together, by separating them from the ones they love.  We’ve all been brought together today because of our love for my Grandmother, and all those whose lives she’s touched.  Her passing is a gift.  Just as her life was a gift.  No one wants to think about their own mortality, but we all know we’re not getting out of this thing alive.  A death in the family is just another wake up call, reminding us that we only have a short while on this Earth.  The amount of time we have here can never be known, and death is nature’s way of reminding us not to squander the time that we have.

My Grandmother was fortunate.  She spent 94 years here, most of which were spent in good health.  My wife and I had a daughter, Stella Grace, who was not so fortunate.  She was born on my Grandmother’s 92nd birthday, and only lived for an hour and 47 minutes.  It’s amazing how many lives were touched by our little girl, despite her short life.  One can only wonder how many lives my Grandmother touched in her 94 years.  And I can assure you that both will continue to touch lives long after they’re gone.  I know that every December 23rd our family will be celebrating the lives of two very special women.

So, if you’re sad, be sad.  But don’t forget to be grateful.  Be grateful for this gift of Life we’ve all been given.  It’s so precious.  I owe my life, at least in part, to my Grandmother.  Had it not been for the birth of my Grandmother, my Mother would not be here today.  Had it not been for my Mother, I would not be here today.  And if I were not here today, my wife would not be carrying, what promises to be the most precious child to ever walk this Earth.  Though I may be a bit biased.

Las Vegas conference trip with Louise ~ 2009

Rest in peace, Louise!  You’ve touched the lives of many people!  Hope you're winning big at the slot machines in the sky!

I Survived the Holiday Season!

***This entry was written back in January, but due to the chaos of constant pregnancy monitoring and daily life got in the way of posting this blog previously***

Since mid November of 2010 I’ve been dreading this holiday season.  That’s a whole lotta time to anticipate and fear the worst!  Since we learned about Stella’s declining health just before Thanksgiving in 2010 the holiday season started off on a very sad and depressing note and as we progressed closer to Christmas we were faced with nothing but bad news.  There was no holiday spirit in our house, no joy, no looking forward to future holidays with our little girl.  I was surrounded by a cold, bleak sadness deep to my core.  I tried to focus on the positive, that Stella was still with me, and have hope for my daughter’s future.  I tired to pretend to be in to Christmas by putting up our tree, but the darkness was too much for me to overcome and the fake holiday spirit weighed down on me even more.  My husband finally took over and placed lights on the tree while I sat on the couch watching and choking back tears. 

Then, out of no where, I got sick a week before Christmas.  Stella’s life was no longer in theoretical danger, it was about to come crashing to an end!  I was hospitalized the Monday before Christmas with HELLP syndrome and told Stella was too young and too small to survive and my health was in imminent danger with out her delivery.  If you’ve never found yourself in this situation it’s hard to imagine the willingness to die for your child’s survival, but I was assured her chances of her surviving with my rapidly declining health were slim to none and we would likely both be lost.  From that moment on there was no Christmas!  I spent the week in the hospital desperately praying for a miracle and both proud and tortured by Stella’s will to hold on to my womb with her tiny little being.  She held on for nearly 50 hours while the Doctors did everything they could think of to induce her birth.  She didn’t want to come out in to the World.  She knew it was too early to be born and wanted to stay safely inside my womb, but my body failed her. 

I was released from the hospital on Christmas Day in the middle of a huge snow storm.  The roads were in horrible conditions making the half hour drive a very tense and tedious hour and a half.  Once finally safe back home all I wanted to do was camp out on the couch in front of the fireplace with a cup of hot chocolate and cry, but the half decorated Christmas tree was staring back at me as a reminder of the day and we had all been robbed on any sense of normalcy, happiness or joy.  After my break down Trey stepped in again and threw a few decorations on the tree, hung our empty stockings from the mantle and moved the boxes of Christmas decorations that had been stacked in the living room laying in waiting.  He made a Christmas dinner with the groceries he ran out to get on Christmas Eve when we learned of the impending snow and we tried to take back a little piece of the Christmas we had lost along with Stella. 

We spent the rest of the week dealing with the funeral home, writing an obituary for our baby, cancelling OB appointments and planned a small memorial service for Stella on New Years Day.  All the while I was left wondering how I would ever survive the year, 2011, that lay before me?  More importantly, did I even want to?

Now that we have finally kissed 2011 good-bye and welcomed 2012 I guess it’s safe to say I survived!  It was tough in so many ways.  Some I hadn’t even anticipated being so difficult.  For the most part I think I survived mostly by allowing the currents to take me where ever they chose.  I didn’t fight the drowning sensations of having no control, but I also tried not to imagine where the flow was going to take me.  Maybe I just didn’t care where I ended up, so I had no vested interest one way or the other?  Of course it really wasn’t that simple.  We had become involved in twice monthly Perinatal Loss Support Groups as well as deeply involved in our volunteer work with the March of Dimes, so those both gave me a little direction to help steer my course.

My blasé attitude was forced to take the back burner in August once we learned I was carrying Stella’s tiny sibling.  No longer caring where I may end up or what may happen in my future was no longer an option.  After all now I had to consider the future of this growing being inside of me and could no longer just throw in the towel if I didn’t feel like being part of society on any given day.  But, you may be surprised to learn just how difficult it is to carry a baby after having to say a final good-bye to a previous baby.  Some people seem to think getting pregnant after a loss is such a wonderful blessing that the Mother should be floating around on cloud 9 with a perm grin tattooed to her face.  Oh, how I wish it was that simple! 

In many ways experiencing a subsequent pregnancy after a loss is like placing yourself in front of a firing squad every day and giving them the power to determine your faith with a coin toss.  Will today be the end of this baby’s future?  You begin to live every day faced with fear.  You can no longer hold that blind optimism that YOUR baby will grow to be perfectly healthy and get to enjoy the future you had planned.  Once you’ve had it ripped out from under you once you can never gain it back!  Had I fully understood this I may have planned the timing of this pregnancy out a little differently, but then maybe it’s one of those situations where you think you have a firm grasp on how difficult the situation will be only to discovers it’s far more traumatizing than you could have ever imagined?

Regardless, being pregnant with Sprout along almost the exact time schedule as with her big sister Stella really made our first holiday season a unique challenge!  We grieved for what we had lost.  I ached to have Stella with me for her 1^st Christmas. I wanted to erase the painful memories of the Christmas and New Years Day from the year before.  But at the same time I was torn by knowing Sprout was with me and if we got incredibly lucky she would be with us for the next holiday season as we celebrate Stella’s 2^nd Angelversary.  It was a big if and it felt like a shot in the dark, but it was the only joy I could find to hold on to.  We’ve been blessed to be able to hold on to Sprout thus far and she’s helped guide me through so that I can say, “I survived the holiday season!”

Stella’s 1st Birthday & Angelversary…

Ever notice how some days are harder than others?  Yeah, I’ve had that day!  In fact, I’ve been feeling that way this entire weekend!  Really I guess I should scratch that and say I’ve been having a hard holiday season, since every emotion imaginable has struck since just before Thanksgiving and who knows how long this crazy roller coaster of a ride is gonna last? 

I knew December 23rd was going to be an emotional challenge like few I’ve ever seen being it was Stella’s 1^st Birthday and Angelversary, but I didn’t accurately anticipate the long lasting affects I would continue to experience through out the Christmas holiday.  I was hopeful that by today, Christmas, I wouldn’t feel the struggle so much, but it’s still riding my coat tails trying to bring me down!

The whole week began with me feeling shaken and off after a very poor night of sleep.  I had fallen right asleep, but woke suddenly just a short while later with the feeling of extreme panic.  When I saw 1:30am on my clock I just wanted to sink deeper in to the bed and be swallowed alive!  Last year on the Monday evening before Christmas I was admitted to the hospital due to HELLP syndrome while pregnant with Stella.  I spent a couple of hours in the labor and delivery triage area while they tried to figure out exactly what was going on, but once they identified the problem they began working on getting me a quiet room, inform the nurses of my case and get me moved upstairs so they could begin my IV with Magnesium Sulfate and then my OB came up to begin the induction process (and trust me, it was a process!).  So, by the time my medications were on board and my OB had started the Cytotec it was almost 1:30am, so when I awoke in a panic last Monday night and saw the time I literally found myself flashing back to the hospital room, attached to the IV and terrified about what was laying a head of me and my daughter’s future.  Sure, I knew I wasn’t in the hospital, but instead in my own bed, but I saw everything so vividly in front of me like I was living through it all over again!  I laid in bed crying and holding my belly until I finally drifted back to sleep.  Needless to say I woke up in a foul, sad mood like my precious Stella had just been ripped away from me all over again! 

Sweet Stella Grace December 23, 2010

The pressure of Stella’s birthday and Angelversary, along with the Christmas holiday, surely didn’t help any as the week progressed.  My stress levels and bitchiness felt like they were at an all time high!  Although, maybe it was good that I was so busy and preoccupied because it kept me from having a full out melt down, even though I felt it building up inside me?  I was angry I was busy with holiday things because all I really wanted to do was plan a meaningful way to honor Stella’s short life and her importance to me!  With everyone’s various holiday and work schedules we weren’t able to have many family and friends join us in celebrating Stella, and that alone left me feeling even more sad and depressed.  I understand everyone has their own family and schedule to work around, but I couldn’t help feeling that if Stella was still alive and with us for her 1^st birthday all of these significant people in my life would have made arrangements to celebrate with us.  Leaving me, once again, feeling cheated and robbed of an experience that was very important to me! 

We went ahead and commemorated Stella’s special day anyway.  It was difficult to figure out the best way to celebrate her spirit with out her being with us because nothing seemed appropriate.  At the same time I knew I needed it to be a joyous and fun occasion because additional sadness was the last thing I needed and I really don’t feel like Stella wants us to live in sadness.  So we decided to do the zany Happy Jollidays LaZoom Tour around Asheville to brighten our spirits and bring a little laughter to the day and prepare us for the Christmas holiday.  My brother and a couple we’ve been friends with for many, many years joined my husband and I for the fun outing.  It worked, we did smile and laugh, but it still felt like we were missing an important part of any celebration … the guest of honor herself.

Trey and my brother holding Sprout

Sarah and Jason giving Sprout some love

Our friends had to get back to their family holiday obligations, so we met Trey’s parents out that evening for a late night dinner at Ruth’s Chris.  We had an absolutely fantastic meal, which was a real treat, and Trey toasted to our little Stella.  But over all I was left feeling a little let down and like I had done a poor job of honoring our girl on her special day.  We had gotten a cupcake for Stella, did something fun for her birthday and celebrated with a delicious meal, but the day didn’t truly feel like it was about HER, which was the most important aspect of the day to me personally.  Our friends brought 2 stuffed animals over, one for Stella and one for Sprout, but other than that her name wasn’t ever mentioned again unless it was by me or my husband at dinner.  They made more of a fuss over Sprout then Stella and that left my heart hurting.  I know they all mean well, but December 23^rd was supposed to be all about Stella, how she touched our lives and will always be loved and cherished.

Stella's Christmas tree, 1st birthday cupcake and gifts

Stuffed animals and a thoughtful card from another Baby Loss Momma friend

Realistically, I guess nothing would have been perfect unless I could have had sweet Stella on my hip, dressed in a special outfit with a birthday hat, balloons all around and watching her smiling, laughing face as she dug in to a big cupcake with her name written on top!  Anything else will always pale in comparison!  So the question becomes ~ How will we be able to manage all the birthdays/Angelversaries for the years to come?  I’d love to hear from other Baby Loss Mommas and how you’ve coped with these painful milestones? 

The difference a year makes...

I mentioned in a previous post how crazy busy we’ve been around here and I’m sure everyone who hears that just rolls their eyes and thinks, “Yeah, like you’re the only one!” Of course I don’t think I’m the only one who has ever found themselves running around frantically trying to catch up at every turn, but I do feel I’ve been given an extra challenge lately that is leaving me a bit stretched to capacity.  That’s ok though, I really wouldn’t want it any other way! 

Not only have the days, weeks and months been passing us by, but with each week we’ve come closer to the season I’ve dreaded so much - HOLIDAYS!  Our World changed for us last holiday season just before Thanksgiving and I’m still in the process of learning how to cope with this new journey in a very different World.  And if that wasn’t physically and emotionally time consuming enough we’ve been keeping a secret and that can be hard work in itself!  Sure a few people we are close to knew, but for the most part we had kept everything very quite and were just moving along until the time felt right to share with our extended family, friends, and now anyone who might be reading this blog.  I’ll skip to the chase and share the personal message we shared a little over a month ago…

On this day, November 18th, of last year we learned the devastating news about Stella's health and her struggle to survive and make it out in to this World.  A year has passed and Stella's 1st birthday is now only 5 weeks away on December 23rd.  It's been an extremely difficult year full of challenges learning how to navigate the World without my daughter, and as we move closer to this holiday season the anniversary of Stella's birth, day to day life will be very painful.

Last year we suddenly cancelled our Thanksgiving plans after receiving the news of Stella condition, however this year we have renewed hope and much to be thankful for.  For one thing, I didn't pass away with Stella and that is something to be extremely grateful for every day!  It has allowed us to continue on and honor Stella's short life and big spirit in any way possible.  Now Stella is a big sister in the making!  Yes, you read correctly!  Trey and I are expecting and have been growing a little "Sprout" for 18 weeks, so we hope to meet our baby around April 20, 2012.  Yesterday we had our big targeted ultrasound and learned that Sprout's heart appears healthy and is growing ahead of schedule.  Two very different findings from what we learned about Stella just a year ago!  Not only did yesterday's ultrasound go very well, but we received results a couple of weeks ago from our Genetic Counselor that Sprout's risk of a chromosomal defect is very, very slim; 1:10,000!  And, for all of you who are dying to know ... Sprout is a GIRL!!! 

We are extremely happy, but I am also very scared of what may be waiting for me down the path.  With all this good news at this point we are just trying our best to enjoy and think about a happy and healthy future.  This will undoubtedly become more difficult as we move closer to the holidays and we miss sharing what should be Stella's 1st Thanksgiving, birthday party and Christmas. 

I want to be clear with everyone that even though we have a new child growing Stella will always be our first baby and hold a significant place in our hearts!  Sprout will not replace the pain we have endured, nor take Stella's place in any way, so please don't assume our hearts are healed or forget her importance in our lives. 

We wish you all a Happy Holiday Season full of love and peace!!

With love,
Shelby & Trey

You may be wondering why we’ve kept this wonderful news so hush, hush until now?  Well, I can tell you there are a number of reasons I could list, but I’ll just be as honest and blunt as possible … I’ve been too scared!  I’ve been terrified something awful would happen to this baby, Sprout, as soon as I opened my mouth to share the news.  I’ve also been scared I would loose some of the connections I’ve developed over the last year with so many strong, caring Baby Loss Mommas.  I’ve worried they would turn their backs on me and kick me out of the one club no one ever wanted to be part of in the first place, yet now I find myself desperately wanting and needing to know that I am still an accepted member.  It may sound crazy, but these fellow Mommas have become an important part of my life and I value their opinions, suggestions and the strength needed to get through each day.  Hopefully this news won’t turn off any potential readers because, I gotta tell ya, being pregnant again after a loss is probably just as hard as going through the loss in the first place!  Sure, it’s a totally different experience, but the emotional roller coaster is practically the same! 

I hope you all can wish Sprout and I well, but as a Baby Loss Momma I can also understand the pain of knowing some one else is pregnant while we will never be able to hold our precious babies we’ve lost ever again.  And there in lies the never ending conflict of emotions of a pregnancy after a loss!  

Giving Back

In my last blog I mentioned my husband and I helped with and attended the March of Dimes Signature Chefs Gala and Auction at the end of September. Trey and I first got involved with the March of Dimes back in April and set up a last minute team for Stella Grace in the March for Babies. In one weeks time we raised a great deal of money to help prevent premature births, birth defects and infant mortality. Our local walk took place just a few days after Stella’s due date, so it was a very emotional time, but we felt great knowing we were helping to make a difference in some baby’s life and for their parents who would be able to hold and love them for years to come.

After our success with the March for Babies we decided one of the best ways we could honor Stella’s short life was to become more involved with the March of Dimes, so we reached out to our local division and offered ourselves as volunteers. Shortly after we were approached and asked if we would like to join the local Pisgah Division Board of Directors. Of course we said, “Yes!” and have increased our involvement with the March of Dimes since this past summer. Besides the March for Babies our other big annual fundraiser is the March of Dimes Signature Chefs Auction, which was held this year on September 30th. Since this was the first fundraising event since becoming Board Members we worked to help out in any way we could be contacting restaurants and businesses to donate their goods for our auctions. This was also our first “Gala”, so we were both excited to see how it all came together and be part of something so amazing. The Gala featured 12 local Chefs serving small plates of fantastic foods, three tables of wonderful silent auction baskets, a very moving presentation about the Mach of Dimes mission and one local family’s personal story, an action packed live auction and a closing performance by the Asheville Aerial Arts. I couldn’t hold back my tears during the presentation and my mind stayed on Stella the entire evening. I know she was really there with us for the event!

The evening was a huge success and I’m so proud to say we were able to be part of it all! Soon the preparations for the 2012 Gala will begin and I hope Trey and I are able to help out even more with this important event. For now, though, our attention is beginning to focus on the 2012 March for Babies and all the awareness and funds we hope to raise again for Team Stella Grace. If you would like to get involved in the March for Babies in your area you can look up the event for your area and get started forming a team in honor of your preemie, family member or in memory of a special baby who was lost to prematurity. It’s a wonderful way to give back and fight against prematurity!

My, how time flies...

Geez, I knew I had been slacking on updating my blog but I didn’t realize it’s been nearly 2 ½ months since I wrote last! Of course I knew the end of September was crazy busy and I had been working hard to get through a quick trip to Atlanta for the French Bulldog National Specialty and then back home in time for the March of Dimes Signature Chefs Gala and Auction. Both of these things are very important to me since I volunteer with a French Bulldog rescue, French Bulldog Rescue Network, and am a Board Member with our local Pisgah Division of the March of Dimes.

The French Bulldog Rescue Network (FBRN) always set up a fundraising table at this yearly event, have several volunteers travel from far and wide to attend, and there is always a Rescue Parade. We’ve fostered a few dogs with FBRN and we’ve adopted three Frenchies, but I also used to do some major volunteer work with them and came in to contact with a great number of people who will bend over backwards to help get a French Bulldog in to a safe and loving environment, so it’s always nice to see some of the volunteers I’ve met before and meet some news ones face to face who are able to attend. This year was particularly important to me because of our eldest Frenchie, Smeagol, health problems. You see, Smeags is a very special soul who spent most of his life living in a rabbit hutch in a North Carolina puppymill, with scummy water, rarely feed and never received any positive attention or medical treatment. We’ve been blessed to have him in our lives since October 29, 2005 and though it took a little while for him to trust us, he’s learned a very different lifestyle and shows us every day that he is a unique character.

While I was pregnant with Stella last Fall Smeags health had been concerning us. He had a few spells that made his odd body wobbly, but he always seemed to recovery quickly and look at us like we were crazy for doting on him (just another of Smeags charming attributes). In early November of last year I went o bed nervous about the lab work for the Quad Screening I was scheduled to do in the morning and it took me a while to settle down enough for me to fall a sleep. It didn’t seem like I had been a sleep very long when I suddenly woke to a thrashing noise and hopped out of bed to find Smeags having a Grand Mal seizure. It took a while for the seizure activity to pass and I spent the next five minutes clearing away foam from his mouth to prevent him from choking and then sat trying to calm his confusion. We spent the next hour sitting with him, talking and comforting him until he slowly seemed to come back around to “himself” and the fear in his eyes lessened and we all decided to try to get a couple of hours of sleep before the alarm clock beeped. We took Smeags with us for my lab work and drove him to our vets to be checked out afterwards. My horrible suspicions were confirmed by our vet and Smeags most likely was suffering from a brain tumor.

Well, that was (now) over a year ago and knowing how limited his time is with the diagnosis of a brain tumor I knew I had to get him to the French Bulldog Nationals so he could make one last Rescue Parade and see all the FBRN volunteers who love him. We first booked our hotel room last October and I thought how fun it was going to be to take Stella and Smeags. I had even come up with a plan for them to both ride in a red wagon together, so they could enjoy all the dogs, people and activity, but things have changed. However, Smeags still enjoyed himself and all the attention he received and everyone seemed very happy to see the old man doing his thing!

I wondered on our drive down to Atlanta if any of my rescue volunteer friends would say anything about Stella, since most of them had read or heard about our experience, and I wondered how I would handle that. Deep down I knew I would rather them mention Stella rather than dodge the huge whole left in our hearts, but for the most part everyone remained silent. One volunteer friend during a quiet moment took me by the arms and spoke to me about the loss of my precious daughter. I can’t even remember exactly what she said because I was so surprised and then overcome with appreciation and tears, but she said commented along the lines that she was proud of me for talking about our loss and all the information I share with others and that she holds us in her heart. Besides seeing how much love Smeags received at Nationals, hearing someone have the courage and respect to speak to me about Stella made the whole trip worthwhile! My heart was very happy as we drove back home.

Wow, I guess I’ll have to catch you all up on the March of Dimes Gala next time! Don’t worry, I plan on posting it this weekend and hope not to allow so much time to pass between posts.