May 15, 2012

Mother’s Day Flop…

Another Mother’s Day has passed leaving nothing but tears, pain, bitterness and disappointment behind.  I, like many others, would have thought this Mother’s Day would have been extra special and full of new memories shared with my darling daughter, Izabella, but sadly that isn’t what happened.

Last year was my first Mother’s Day, though my first born daughter, Stella, was no longer with us.  It was an extremely painful day, not only because she wasn’t in my arms, but because no one recognized me as a Mother or tried to make the day special in any way.  After I had a complete melt down and spent most of the afternoon crying in bed my husband decided maybe he should do something for me after all, so the next day he wrote me several Mother’s Day notes and bought me a beautiful pair of dragonfly earnings from our daughter, Stella.  While it was nice to receive some recognition he missed the whole point and that everything losses some of the meaning when I have to explain and beg for the right to be called and celebrated as a Mother. 

Well even though I’m truly blessed to be holding my precious Izabella in my arms this year, things weren’t any different.  No Mother’s Day plans, no gift, no recognition!  Let me say that it’s NOT about the gifts, it’s about being seen and treated as a Mother!  I would have loved to receive a gift straight from the heart, something to memorialize this extra special moment in time with Izabella, a special photo or her footprints with a loving message and date.  But no, I’ve got nothing to look back at fondly and smile when I think of my first Mother’s Day with Izabella. 

In fact, this year the only message my husband took the time to write was posted to my Facebook wall.  Nothing long lasting and memorable there!  Of course he only wrote that after I told him how hurt one of my Baby Loss Momma friends who also recently had her Rainbow was to be receiving messages from family and friends wishing them a “Happy First Mother’s Day”.  Totally dismissing that she was already a Mother!  I, like most Baby Loss Mommas, completely understood this kind of hurt because it’s something we’re faced with all the time.  So I mentioned this to my husband because it’s a pain I share and I guess he then felt a little motivation to write me a public Happy Mother’s Day wish.  But really I didn’t need his words, I needed and was longing for his action!  To recognize me as a Mother!  By not doing so the message I’ve received is that, once again, he doesn’t view me as a Mother.  He doesn’t see me as the Mother to Stella, and even now that we are both caring for Izabella day in and day out, he doesn’t consider me to be her Mother.  I guess that means I’m doing a pretty shitty job at this Motherhood gig?  Needless to say it leaves me full of hurt and pain! 

*** Disclaimer ~ Yes, I know I should just count my blessings to have Izabella in my arms rather than being faced with another child held only in my heart.  And trust me, I feel very blessed!  I know there are so many women, Mother’s in their own rights, who have not had the same good fortune as we have to welcome a Rainbow Baby in to their lives and so many who continue to struggle with infertility issues.  I don’t wish to cause any of them pain by appearing ungrateful for the greatest gift I have ever received, Izabella!  I just wish to make long lasting memories with my daughter since I know first hand how precious her life is and that documenting these memories is the only way to hold on to them forever. 

Oh, and I should also share that my husband decided to make me a batch of gluten free cherry chocolate chip cookies as a belated Mother’s Day gift!  Not exactly what I had in mind, but I’ll take it!