Reaching Personal Goals...

I'm not one to pat myself on the back, or really even be proud of myself.  It's just not my nature.  But here I am, ready to toot my own horn!  I'm just so pleased with my accomplishment that I actually want to ingrain it my memory and the best way for me to be able to do this is by saying it out loud ~  I've successfully breastfed my rainbow for her first 10 months!!

7 months full of breast milk goodness!!  

(* Rainbow diaper from http://www.greengenesdiapers.com)

You see, even before conceiving Stella I knew I wanted to breastfeed my children and offer them the very best possible nutrition for as long as possible.  But knowing myself and how life always seems to throw me obstacles I worried I wouldn't be able to properly feed my baby(ies), so I immediately broke it all down in to smaller, hopefully more manageable, time frames that I could still feel good about.  For some reason 15 months popped in my head and seemed like my ultimate goal, so I worked back from there:

12 months = Great Goal

9 months = Ideal

6 months = My Basic

3 months = A Must for Me Personally

Of course all these ideals were developed before I actually got a chance to breastfeed a baby, since Stella's life was tragically cut so short.  Once I finally was blessed with a healthy baby I quickly learned no one had prepared me for all the challenges of breastfeeding!  There were several breastfeeding bumps in the road in the beginning, but none were as significant as the horrible ordeal we endured when Iza was just 2 months old.  During those weeks I cried for so many different reasons … Iza's lack of nutrition, pain, missing my daughters, feelings of inadequacy as a mother, but also because I couldn't imagine how I would ever reach these important goals I had set for myself.  Most importantly, for my daughter's well-being and healthy foundation. Thankfully Iza and I had some wonderful people come to our rescue and helped us over the hump!

I've since read a mother describe breastfeeding like a dance.  The mother and child are partners who must get to know each other and the choreography of each dance.  This takes a lot of patience, time and practice.  Iza and I have tangoed our way through my 9 month goal and we are smoothly waltzing our way to 12 months. Over coming these trials has only made my success that much sweeter!   So yeah, I'm pretty damn proud of my resolve!   Chalk one up for being stubborn!  :)

Supplemental breast milk donated by a generous soul (on the left) and my reward from pumping every 4 hours to increase supply after my ordeal   

*** Now I'm crossing my fingers and hoping all this boasting hasn't jinxed me!!! ***

I Survived the Holiday Season!

***This entry was written back in January, but due to the chaos of constant pregnancy monitoring and daily life got in the way of posting this blog previously***

Since mid November of 2010 I’ve been dreading this holiday season.  That’s a whole lotta time to anticipate and fear the worst!  Since we learned about Stella’s declining health just before Thanksgiving in 2010 the holiday season started off on a very sad and depressing note and as we progressed closer to Christmas we were faced with nothing but bad news.  There was no holiday spirit in our house, no joy, no looking forward to future holidays with our little girl.  I was surrounded by a cold, bleak sadness deep to my core.  I tried to focus on the positive, that Stella was still with me, and have hope for my daughter’s future.  I tired to pretend to be in to Christmas by putting up our tree, but the darkness was too much for me to overcome and the fake holiday spirit weighed down on me even more.  My husband finally took over and placed lights on the tree while I sat on the couch watching and choking back tears. 

Then, out of no where, I got sick a week before Christmas.  Stella’s life was no longer in theoretical danger, it was about to come crashing to an end!  I was hospitalized the Monday before Christmas with HELLP syndrome and told Stella was too young and too small to survive and my health was in imminent danger with out her delivery.  If you’ve never found yourself in this situation it’s hard to imagine the willingness to die for your child’s survival, but I was assured her chances of her surviving with my rapidly declining health were slim to none and we would likely both be lost.  From that moment on there was no Christmas!  I spent the week in the hospital desperately praying for a miracle and both proud and tortured by Stella’s will to hold on to my womb with her tiny little being.  She held on for nearly 50 hours while the Doctors did everything they could think of to induce her birth.  She didn’t want to come out in to the World.  She knew it was too early to be born and wanted to stay safely inside my womb, but my body failed her. 

I was released from the hospital on Christmas Day in the middle of a huge snow storm.  The roads were in horrible conditions making the half hour drive a very tense and tedious hour and a half.  Once finally safe back home all I wanted to do was camp out on the couch in front of the fireplace with a cup of hot chocolate and cry, but the half decorated Christmas tree was staring back at me as a reminder of the day and we had all been robbed on any sense of normalcy, happiness or joy.  After my break down Trey stepped in again and threw a few decorations on the tree, hung our empty stockings from the mantle and moved the boxes of Christmas decorations that had been stacked in the living room laying in waiting.  He made a Christmas dinner with the groceries he ran out to get on Christmas Eve when we learned of the impending snow and we tried to take back a little piece of the Christmas we had lost along with Stella. 

We spent the rest of the week dealing with the funeral home, writing an obituary for our baby, cancelling OB appointments and planned a small memorial service for Stella on New Years Day.  All the while I was left wondering how I would ever survive the year, 2011, that lay before me?  More importantly, did I even want to?

Now that we have finally kissed 2011 good-bye and welcomed 2012 I guess it’s safe to say I survived!  It was tough in so many ways.  Some I hadn’t even anticipated being so difficult.  For the most part I think I survived mostly by allowing the currents to take me where ever they chose.  I didn’t fight the drowning sensations of having no control, but I also tried not to imagine where the flow was going to take me.  Maybe I just didn’t care where I ended up, so I had no vested interest one way or the other?  Of course it really wasn’t that simple.  We had become involved in twice monthly Perinatal Loss Support Groups as well as deeply involved in our volunteer work with the March of Dimes, so those both gave me a little direction to help steer my course.

My blasé attitude was forced to take the back burner in August once we learned I was carrying Stella’s tiny sibling.  No longer caring where I may end up or what may happen in my future was no longer an option.  After all now I had to consider the future of this growing being inside of me and could no longer just throw in the towel if I didn’t feel like being part of society on any given day.  But, you may be surprised to learn just how difficult it is to carry a baby after having to say a final good-bye to a previous baby.  Some people seem to think getting pregnant after a loss is such a wonderful blessing that the Mother should be floating around on cloud 9 with a perm grin tattooed to her face.  Oh, how I wish it was that simple! 

In many ways experiencing a subsequent pregnancy after a loss is like placing yourself in front of a firing squad every day and giving them the power to determine your faith with a coin toss.  Will today be the end of this baby’s future?  You begin to live every day faced with fear.  You can no longer hold that blind optimism that YOUR baby will grow to be perfectly healthy and get to enjoy the future you had planned.  Once you’ve had it ripped out from under you once you can never gain it back!  Had I fully understood this I may have planned the timing of this pregnancy out a little differently, but then maybe it’s one of those situations where you think you have a firm grasp on how difficult the situation will be only to discovers it’s far more traumatizing than you could have ever imagined?

Regardless, being pregnant with Sprout along almost the exact time schedule as with her big sister Stella really made our first holiday season a unique challenge!  We grieved for what we had lost.  I ached to have Stella with me for her 1^st Christmas. I wanted to erase the painful memories of the Christmas and New Years Day from the year before.  But at the same time I was torn by knowing Sprout was with me and if we got incredibly lucky she would be with us for the next holiday season as we celebrate Stella’s 2^nd Angelversary.  It was a big if and it felt like a shot in the dark, but it was the only joy I could find to hold on to.  We’ve been blessed to be able to hold on to Sprout thus far and she’s helped guide me through so that I can say, “I survived the holiday season!”

The difference a year makes...

I mentioned in a previous post how crazy busy we’ve been around here and I’m sure everyone who hears that just rolls their eyes and thinks, “Yeah, like you’re the only one!” Of course I don’t think I’m the only one who has ever found themselves running around frantically trying to catch up at every turn, but I do feel I’ve been given an extra challenge lately that is leaving me a bit stretched to capacity.  That’s ok though, I really wouldn’t want it any other way! 

Not only have the days, weeks and months been passing us by, but with each week we’ve come closer to the season I’ve dreaded so much - HOLIDAYS!  Our World changed for us last holiday season just before Thanksgiving and I’m still in the process of learning how to cope with this new journey in a very different World.  And if that wasn’t physically and emotionally time consuming enough we’ve been keeping a secret and that can be hard work in itself!  Sure a few people we are close to knew, but for the most part we had kept everything very quite and were just moving along until the time felt right to share with our extended family, friends, and now anyone who might be reading this blog.  I’ll skip to the chase and share the personal message we shared a little over a month ago…

On this day, November 18th, of last year we learned the devastating news about Stella's health and her struggle to survive and make it out in to this World.  A year has passed and Stella's 1st birthday is now only 5 weeks away on December 23rd.  It's been an extremely difficult year full of challenges learning how to navigate the World without my daughter, and as we move closer to this holiday season the anniversary of Stella's birth, day to day life will be very painful.

Last year we suddenly cancelled our Thanksgiving plans after receiving the news of Stella condition, however this year we have renewed hope and much to be thankful for.  For one thing, I didn't pass away with Stella and that is something to be extremely grateful for every day!  It has allowed us to continue on and honor Stella's short life and big spirit in any way possible.  Now Stella is a big sister in the making!  Yes, you read correctly!  Trey and I are expecting and have been growing a little "Sprout" for 18 weeks, so we hope to meet our baby around April 20, 2012.  Yesterday we had our big targeted ultrasound and learned that Sprout's heart appears healthy and is growing ahead of schedule.  Two very different findings from what we learned about Stella just a year ago!  Not only did yesterday's ultrasound go very well, but we received results a couple of weeks ago from our Genetic Counselor that Sprout's risk of a chromosomal defect is very, very slim; 1:10,000!  And, for all of you who are dying to know ... Sprout is a GIRL!!! 

We are extremely happy, but I am also very scared of what may be waiting for me down the path.  With all this good news at this point we are just trying our best to enjoy and think about a happy and healthy future.  This will undoubtedly become more difficult as we move closer to the holidays and we miss sharing what should be Stella's 1st Thanksgiving, birthday party and Christmas. 

I want to be clear with everyone that even though we have a new child growing Stella will always be our first baby and hold a significant place in our hearts!  Sprout will not replace the pain we have endured, nor take Stella's place in any way, so please don't assume our hearts are healed or forget her importance in our lives. 

We wish you all a Happy Holiday Season full of love and peace!!

With love,
Shelby & Trey

You may be wondering why we’ve kept this wonderful news so hush, hush until now?  Well, I can tell you there are a number of reasons I could list, but I’ll just be as honest and blunt as possible … I’ve been too scared!  I’ve been terrified something awful would happen to this baby, Sprout, as soon as I opened my mouth to share the news.  I’ve also been scared I would loose some of the connections I’ve developed over the last year with so many strong, caring Baby Loss Mommas.  I’ve worried they would turn their backs on me and kick me out of the one club no one ever wanted to be part of in the first place, yet now I find myself desperately wanting and needing to know that I am still an accepted member.  It may sound crazy, but these fellow Mommas have become an important part of my life and I value their opinions, suggestions and the strength needed to get through each day.  Hopefully this news won’t turn off any potential readers because, I gotta tell ya, being pregnant again after a loss is probably just as hard as going through the loss in the first place!  Sure, it’s a totally different experience, but the emotional roller coaster is practically the same! 

I hope you all can wish Sprout and I well, but as a Baby Loss Momma I can also understand the pain of knowing some one else is pregnant while we will never be able to hold our precious babies we’ve lost ever again.  And there in lies the never ending conflict of emotions of a pregnancy after a loss!